It is the Potter's Choice
Anna Knoedl
With Parkinson's Disease, there are some days that are better than others. These days, I don't
have the strength I did a few years ago – or even a year ago. It's
not just that. My speech is slow and sometimes I don't breathe
properly when speaking. I sound clumsy and hesitant, as if I am
confused (which I am not). Sometimes people ask if I'm OK, and when
I say yes, they politely look away as if they believed me. It's hard
dealing with a body which doesn't act right. There is a list of
things that at one time I did well – things that I no longer can
do. Perhaps the most distressing thing is that I am not as sharp of
mind as I used to be. I have talked to God a lot about this,
shrinking from the humiliation of feeblemindedness. The best way of
dealing with it is to face it head on, without complaining and be
grateful for all that I do have.
3-23-15
Anna Knoedl
“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?” Romans 9:20-21
“You
turn things around! Shall the potter be considered as equal with the
clay, That what is made would say to its maker, "He did not make
me"; Or what is formed say to him who formed it, "He has no
understanding ?” Isaiah 29:16
**
I
am cut to the quick when I read this. Earth's brief period of
temporal favor – temporary blessings – are meaningless and though
once enjoyed, have been spent and no longer have even momentary
value. These “blessings” are but a memory. Trying to hold onto
them is rather like an old woman trying to look young. It is futile
and heartbreaking to have pride in what I once could do, or to be
proud of how I once looked. I used to feel capable of almost
anything, but the “list” narrows it down a lot.
Strong
and quick of mind, I never doubted my abilities. My voice did not
waver or fade away in the middle of a sentence, nor was the sight of
me unpleasant and there was no stiffness or muscles pulling the wrong
way, making my body crooked. my gate once graceful, now can be
labored and without rhythm – out of time and beat; I feel I am
ugly............ heard only by those who see beyond all the clutter
of once pleasant attributes that make the truth attractive. Like an
unfaithful friend, these are all gone – the list of things I cannot
do.- they are like a
vapor this image I thought was me. Like an abandoned wife, I feel
like I am worthless and ill suited for any worldly cause at all. My
pride is still clinging to the old garments of self. I have found
myself cradling yesterday's rotten clothes desperate to be that
ghost.
“The
Lord said: Israel, you have no right to argue with your Creator.
You are merely a clay pot shaped by a potter. The clay doesn’t ask,
“Why did you make me this way? Where are the handles?” Isaiah
45:9
Even
time is fleeting. To what end? Once spent, forever gone and even
memories fade
If
this is all there is, then I am with nothing. Give me something to
replace the longing I feel for Egypt.
Creator
– Maker – Help me!!!! I am missing Egypt. and feeling sorry
for myself. How do I yield to Your right to do with me what You
will? How do I surrender completely to You, being willing to lose
all things for Your sake? Paul got there. He said,
“ But
whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss
for the sake of Christ.
More
than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing
value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the
loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain
Christ,and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own
derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the
righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,…
“
Philippians 3:8
Diving
into the deep end of the pool of water that You are, it is at first
bitter. I know that eventually it will sweeten. But there is no
“half in and half out”. I can see clearly that though it feels
all wrong and perhaps even hopeless, this is the way that matters. I
choose to plunge my whole self into the cold icy truth. I am what
You have made me – I have what You have given me – I agree to
dream only those dreams that You allow; I give up my own ideas
wholeheartedly, holding back nothing, knowing that the only place for
me – the only life that I can have is what You choose; what pleases
You. I know that You are in authority over me. At my invitation, You
will break away what resists. You will decide if I glorify Your name
in power or weakness, beautiful or practical, graceful or not,
healthy or sick..........You are the potter and I am the clay. With
Your hands, You will work truth and beauty into my substance –
kneed it til it's ready. Then another process begins. Until I am
done. On this earth there will be the burning away of what is
impure, useless or unyielding, and I choose not to fight this. It
is a daily decision to die to what I wish and what I want. In the
end, You are really all that I could want. You are what I need.
“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?” Romans 9:20-21
I
am cut to the quick when I read this. Earth's brief period of
temporal favor – temporary blessings – are meaningless and though
once enjoyed, have been spent and no longer have even momentary
value. These “blessings” are but a memory. Trying to hold onto
them is rather like an old woman trying to look young. It is futile
and heartbreaking to have pride in what I once could do, or to be
proud of how I once looked. I used to feel capable of almost
anything, but this “list” narrows it down a lot.
Strong
and quick of mind, I never doubted my abilities. My voice did not
waver or fade away in the middle of a sentence, nor was the sight of
me unpleasant and there was no stiffness or any muscles pulling the wrong
way, making my body crooked. my gate once graceful, now can be
labored and without rhythm – out of time and beat; I feel I am
ugly............ heard only by those who see beyond all the clutter
of once pleasant attributes that make the truth attractive. Like an
unfaithful friend, these are all gone – the list of things I cannot
do.- they are like a
vapor this image I thought was me. Like an abandoned wife, I feel
like I am worthless and ill suited for any worldly cause at all. My
pride is still clinging to the old garments of self. I have found
myself cradling yesterday's rotten clothes desperate to be that
ghost.
“The
Lord said: Israel, you have no right to argue with your Creator.
You are merely a clay pot shaped by a potter. The clay doesn’t ask,
“Why did you make me this way? Where are the handles?” Isaiah
45:9
Even
time is fleeting. To what end? Once spent, forever gone and even
memories fade
If
this is all there is, then I am with nothing. Give me something to
replace the longing I feel for Egypt.
Creator
– Maker – Help me!!!! I am missing Egypt. and feeling sorry
for myself. How do I yield to Your right to do with me what You
will? How do I surrender completely to You, being willing to lose
all things for Your sake? Paul got there. He said,
“ But
whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss
for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain
Christ,and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own
derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the
righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,…
“
Philippians 3:8
Diving
into the deep end of the pool of water that You are, it is at first
bitter. I know that eventually it will sweeten. But there is no
“half in and half out”. I can see clearly that though it feels
all wrong and perhaps even hopeless, this is the way that matters. I
choose to plunge my whole self into the cold icy truth. I am what
You have made me – I have what You have given me – I agree to
dream only those dreams that You allow; I give up my own ideas
wholeheartedly, holding back nothing, knowing that the only place for
me – the only life that I can have is what You choose; what pleases
You. I know that You are in authority over me. At my invitation, You
will break away what resists. You will decide if I glorify Your name
in power or weakness, beautiful or practical, graceful or not,
healthy or sick..........You are the potter and I am the clay. With
Your hands, You will work truth and beauty into my substance –
kneed it til it's ready. Then another process begins. Until I am
done. On this earth there will be the burning away of what is
impure, useless or unyielding, and I choose not to fight this. It
is a daily decision to die to what I wish and what I want. In the
end, You are really all that I could want. You are what I need.
