Intimacy

Parkinson's Disease is a long term condition. It's not something that you can take a pill for and like a headache have it go away. It's a progressive disease.

I was thinking about relationship with God and how it's an ongoing interaction marked with growing intimacy and trust. As I look back over the years, I can see how PD encouraged my relationship with Him and has been the catalyst for a deeper intimacy and growing trust. Once again, I realize it's problems, illnesses and sickness that draw me closer to Him.

Thank you heavenly Father.

From My Suffering to Another's Blessing

My mother - in - law was taken to the hospital last night by ambulance. We think maybe she was having a stroke. She mostly would not speak. But God was soooo there with her in the ER. I felt His Presence.
It's funny, but I know how it feels to be incompacitated because of Parkinson's Disease. I was able to minister to her in a way the others could not. I was so privileged to be a part of our heavenly Father's love for her. This is yet one more blessing for me and others because of Parkinson's Disease!

Autobiography - the Final - Nine

I cannot even begin to describe the joy that rose up in me after the surgery. God had given me the answer to my prayers. Through technology He had done the impossible. Through the doctors that He chose, He worked a miracle in my life! Through the brilliant minds that He gave them, and the hands He instilled with skill, came the dream I had so long hoped and prayed for. I was overwhelmed with a sense of His tender love for me.

God has been with me through every step of my life including the Valley of Parkinson's Disease. He listened to my cries for help and healing. It is through Him that healing has come. Truly He is the God for whom nothing is too hard. I am so grateful. If I had not been living in New York, near to doctors who perform the surgery it wouldn't have happened. My symptoms just "happened" to be the very ones that the surgery corrects. It is not helpful to all people. God had planned my life so that I would be where He wanted me and when so He might be glorified. I rembered the verse He had given me years before: "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God that the Son of God may be glorified by it." (John 11:4)

Today, I enjoy moving around without discomfort and going where I choose and when I choose. My body is no longer my prison. Praise to His name!

Autobiography - Eight

I wrote in my journal what it was like:

My Body - the Prison

I am heavy. There is a delay between the thought, "I'll get out of bed," and actually doing it. My mind says, "Do it!" but this body resists the command. Grudgingly and lacking grace - slowly - I arise. Feeling drained of strength, I force my way into the day, but the smallest part of morning ritual becomes exhausting. I am stuck in a fog of frustration, as one by one I give up my ideas of what to do and how.

Today, my body is the boss. I am not free to decide what to do or where to go, or even IF I do go, because my body is the boss. Before this disease I am forced to my knees in a posture of shame.... A rounded back (once straight), slumping shoulders and tremors here and there. I am rudely forced to serve this disease. I hate this disease.

Every gift I possess is challenged. It becomes more costly to give the world what I can. Today I'm having trouble writing and I can't work on art. But it's my heart to teach. Yet, I find it is difficult to speak and breathe, so I'm quieter.

I long to be free...freed from this prison and these chains. To embrace the ordinary - this is what I want. How good it would feel to walk without effort and move as if it were an art... to speak without thinking of how to form each word. to forget the ache in my joints; to be strong and not think about strength.

I want the millions of tiny things most people never think about that make up a day.... There is one thing, however, that still is all mine. It's my will. I choose which thoughts to entertain and I decide I want joy with wisdom and love. I will long for freedom from this terrible disease and hope for healing to come. I believe miracles really do happen and I believe in the Miracle Worker Who loves me.

Please heal me. Come set me free. I grow so weary in the wait.

Autobiography - Seven

More and more things became impossible for me to do. I remember one day I was home alone and I lay on the couch singing with my praise music. That was literally all I was able to do. I thought, "I will praise You, Lord, in the only way I can, but I WILL praise You!" Eventually I told God that if this is what He wanted for me in this life, He would have to help me to bear this burden, but I was willing. I held nothing back but accepted His will for me whatever that would be. If it meant suffering in my body, then with His help, I would suffer.

At this time I began pouring through the Bible like never before. I would meditate on it and speak the truth of it to everyone around me even though I could not feel the victory. I felt so useless. I was a burden to my family. In the eyes of the world I had no value. I was a liability. Whatever strength I had left in me had finally drained out of me. I lost the will to live. I began to ask God to just let me come home. I was ready to die. All this was very stressful on my marriage, my children and my friendships. I cried to God continually, being ever aware of His Presence. I knew that He shared my agony, and yet somehow He was using me to His glory.

Autobiography - Six

At about this same time, my mother underwent sudden heart surgery and afterwards suffered a massive stroke. Her death was a blow to me. My father - so dependent on her - died a few weeks later. That year I would face the death of both of my parents, the horror of September 11th, and the increase of responsibility that came with a job promotion in the next year. I worked as long as I could, but eventually it became apparent that the demands and the stress of work were more that this disease would allow.

Parkinson's Disease is a progressive and incurable disease. Without a miracle, my future looked hopeless and horrible. Outside of a miracle from God, I knew there would be nothing more than suffering, loneliness, and darkness ahead of me.

My new husband and I attended church regularly and became a part of the body of believers in a small non denominational church. I attended Bible studies (even facilitating sometimes) and grew to love the women I got to know. But within a few years, my disease had progressed to the point that I could hardly walk. I couldn't attend Bible studies or do my art any more. I was increasingly isolated as I could not drive, or even feed myself without great difficulty. It was hard to sit in a chair and type or hold the phone more than a few minutes to talk. Sometimes it was an effort just to breathe. I couldn't even turn over in bed.

People began to bring meals and send cards. There were so many people praying for me regularly. Some were even people I didn't know. I stubbornly held onto God, believing that He is a God of miracles. As more and more time went on without a healing I began to despair of ever receiving it on this earth. But my belief in God never faltered. I was heartbroken yet still believed in His love.

Autobiography - Five

My marriage of twenty three years ended in divorce when there was nothing left within me to try and pick up the pieces or put them back together. I remarried and moved to New York. I got a job with World Vision. I could still function well enough to hold down this job. God showed His mercy and love for me in many ways. Some days I would be very weak and shakey, not able to write without great effort. I would make my way to work regardless - wondering how I was going to do what I needed to do and invariably those would be the days when the phone wouldn't ring and there would be no assignment from my boss. God's loving presence was ever with me.

Once I was away with World Vision on a staff retreat. We had meetings scheduled for several days. On the first morning I ate beakfast with everyone, then when I rose to go to the first meeting, weakness and trembling set in so I knew I had to return to my room until I felt better. I lay on my bed trying to rise every twenty minutes or so but my strength had not returned. I was so frustrated. I was crying and praying, "Heavenly Father, You gave me this wonderful job, but I can't do it because You have allowed me to have this disease that You do not heal. What do you want me to do?

I saw these words flash across my mind like a neon sign: "Romans 12:1". I said, "OK, Lord. I don't know what that verse says, but I'll look it up". Here is what I read: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship."

It was with joy and sadness that I read those words. Joy, because God had heard me and He answered me. Sadness, because He was asking me to keep on enduring. I then asked Him one more question, "What would you have me do, Lord?" The answer came back, "Pray", and do I did.