It was in time, and ever so imperceptably that He healed my emotions and led me back to Him. In retrospect I now see that I had been hanging onto my own dreams, and doing things in my own strength. He knocked those unreliable props right out from under me and replaced them with His strength and a deepening relationship with Him that has grown to satisfy me and impower me to get through whatever comes. In His mercy, He let me fall so that He could help me see that He is really the only thing I cannot live without.
I slowly began to face my utter powerlessness against this disease. I could not wish it away, nor change it one bit. It became apparent to me that it would not adjust to me, but quite the opposite.... My life must change to accomodate this dreadful disease. It would dictate to me what I could and couldn't do. I must learn to exist in the deepening darkness of this prison of disease.
Cruel and heartless, like a hated dictator, this disease would eventually take even my dignity, not allowing me a moment's peace or respite from the pain it imposed. At times my anger flared against God, wanting to know WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT YOU WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME? You are taking EVERYTHING from me. It hurts SO bad.