You May Not Like This, But Read it Anyway....

Today I worship in the midst of my broken, and weary body. My Lord, Adonai, has seen fit to show me yet another day of heaviness. He will not leave me here with this diseased “house” one second longer than need be. I have prayed and asked for the fruit that is grown and harvested in this unsightly garden of Parkinsons's Disease. I am fast approaching that place of moment by moment dependence on Him for my life. It is the only place where I willingly lean on Him with the dead weight of brokeness and impossibilities. It is here that I endure the heavey hand of His love. It is hard to bear, and I don't do it very well, but My faith in Him – His name is Adonai – is unshakeable. Thank You, Lord, for all that You are. I choose to yield to You through this day. Be glorified today in my body. I am cut off from from the health that You intended for me, and I am punched down like the clay of the marred pot, to become a different vessel – one that points the way to You!

I give You the heart that You have broken in Your love for me. Every breath is for You. I have been here once before. I don't know why You have led me here again, so I will concentrate on what I DO know: You are with me through all, You are faithful, You have all authority, You are love.... You are my Shepherd. You keep me from wandering.... This untrustworthy body longs for the greener pastures, but You have hemmed me in behind and before and have built a wall of protection around me. I do not like this place, but You have made it – just for me – and I will praise Your Holy Name!

Sign Posts

In dealing with things and people that are hurtful or uncomfortable to me, I am propelled into new territory. I am led forward by discomfort, fear and ignorance, to seek the reason for painful predicaments. They are sign posts that point the way to understanding how I arrived in this uncomfortable situation or relationship. My true motives are unearthed and will determine my next steps – either to defend my right to stay and stand on that familiar plot of ground – refusing to change – or to take steps towards finding a new place that offers a vantage point that reveals new insight into my true motives which in turn – if I allow – will get me to the problem that is behind my problem.

Then and only then can I invite God in to be the Healer that He is, and stand aside – so as not to hinder Him as He chisels “self” from the block of marble that I am. “Self” is always at varience with the true changes that He makes in my heart – which then show up in my character. I do not have the power to make these changes, but only to see that they are needed, and to get out of His way, yielding to Him, and not fighting against Him. These small pieces of “Self” - ishness – show up as tendancies to preserve “Self” at the cost of all else.

So, the truth becomes clear to me.... I am not perfect or complete. There are things that must change. And God uses other people – even my enemies - to make this apparent. If I desire wholeness and improvement, I will not question my Maker's motives or methods, but will put that undisciplined house pet called “Self” – out of my house, and into the yard, so that He – God - can commence removing what is not part of the finished me.