Feeling Ugly?

Feelings can be good or not so good. We all have relationship in one way or another, with one person or many. When relationships are tenuious, I begin to wonder, if it's me. I so easily fall into thinking that I'm not interesting enough or good enough. And the fact that I have a disease that is so unlovely - well it makes me feel unlovely.
Oh, I know that life is much more than these silly feelings. Most of the time, I am aware of my value, but there are times of doubt......times when I don't like myself, and I just get stuck there for a little while.
Life with a disease is challenging enough without thinking how it changes my smile and takes the twinkle out of my eyes. I don't like the shadow that covers my face, or the lack of strength that looks like grace has fled.
Instead I am grateful for the courage God has given me to face a new day. I am thankful that He is always with me. And I love His strength that radiates from within.
Thank you, Lord, for beauty unspeakable........Thank you that its You I see........

I Am

I spoke with an old friend today. It was so good to hear his voice - still familiar. To hear him speak invites a whole head full of memories. He would be classified in my memory as "pre- Parkinson's Disease". But of course he is also now "post Parkinson's Disease". That is "post" as in after the diagnosis.
I hate to think that way. The disease colors everything that I am.
But should it be that way? I mean.......how important is it in the scheme of things? It is not who I am, though it has certainly influenced me. It has taught me but it is separate from me. My life changed because of it.
But I like to think that though I have no control over the choices I'm given, I do decide what kind of person I want to be, given the choices I have.
Parkinson's Disease is secondary to who I am. I can see that. And I hope so can you.

Life and Death

Today in church, the pastor gave a great explanation of what it means to be spiritually dead. He said that its just like a corpse at the wake. It is laid in the coffin where people can view it. It once housed the loved one, but now is an empty shell. It is not the person. It has eyes but it can't see. There are ears but it cannot hear. There is a heart, but it doesn't beat. The equipment is there, but it's dead - it doesn't work.
Similarly if we are not born again, we are like the dead (indeed we ARE dead). We cannot respond to life or God in any way. It's impossible.
A body with a disease is like that. I have the equipment - hands, arms, fingers, legs etc. - but they don't work.
My disease reminds me that on my own I cannot reach God or even be good. I can't do anything at all, because I am spiritually dead. I need Jesus to give me life first.
I am reminded that God desires to give us life. He did not even hold back the life of His own dear Son. Jesus couldn't bear to think about eternal life without a single one of us, so He died for us. It breaks His heart when we refuse His beautiful gift of life, rejecting Him, choosing to remain dead.
I hope that you will choose Jesus and life.................

What's the Difference - Christian or Not?

What difference does being a Christian make in reference to my having Parkinson's Disease? Some have pointed out that the disease will have the same effect on the body and will take its course regardless of the persons beliefs. This same source made the point that we deal with our problems by drawing on our own life experiences and not according to what we believe in or WHO we believe in.
I respectfully disagree, though I believe we each have the right to believe whatever we choose. The trouble I have with that opinion IS my own life experience, which has everything to do with WHO I believe in. In my darkest days of suffering, I depended entirely on Jesus to get me through. Yes, my body progressively worsened as the disease took its course, but mentally and emotionally, it made a world of difference knowing that my Creator loved me, was there with me, and in His sovereignty, had a purpose for letting me suffer in this way. There was nothing random in my situation. It wasn't all for nothing. I rested in the fact that my God was in charge of my life, and was not finished with me or the people around me yet.
And praise Him, through technology and new procedures I HAVE conquered this disease. I am a walking miracle!!! The story is too long to tell here, but I have written a book called "Praying Through Parkinson's Disease" that I am trying to get published. It is my testimony to the power and grace and love of a God who is greater than we can imagine, think or hope
Because I believe in a Creator who is all powerful and all loving, I can know that my life is not just a result of random possibilites and meaningless in the scheme of things. I love knowing that I have worth in the eyes of my Creator and that my life has purpose. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, He is able to carry me through ANYTHING.

What I Know

It has been a while since I've written anything. I think I've just been letting my thoughts settle. Sometimes I feel like my mind is a whirlwind, and I'm thinking in a million different directions - getting nowhere, so occassionally I step back, get quiet and listen.
Today I was thinking how unsure everything is. We have no control over the past, and we don't know what the future will bring. The present is ever slipping away into the past and cannot be held onto. I have many questions about what will happen to me and my loved ones in future days. I'm sure you are no different. We want assurances that things will turn out just fine.
That's why we buy insurance, make investments and plan for the future. But even these things can fail to become the security that we so long for. My own questions will be different than someone who is in perfect health.
I experience anxiety if I dwell on all of this. It's a little hard to prepare for a future that is unknown.
So where does that leave us? I'll tell you where........ In the hands of the Creator of all there is; in the nail scarred hands of the God who gave up His life for me; surrounded by my heavenly Father and all of His angels; protected, and provided for. I could write more, but something is telling me to just keep it simple.
I think I will