More and more things became impossible for me to do. I remember one day I was home alone and I lay on the couch singing with my praise music. That was literally all I was able to do. I thought, "I will praise You, Lord, in the only way I can, but I WILL praise You!" Eventually I told God that if this is what He wanted for me in this life, He would have to help me to bear this burden, but I was willing. I held nothing back but accepted His will for me whatever that would be. If it meant suffering in my body, then with His help, I would suffer.
At this time I began pouring through the Bible like never before. I would meditate on it and speak the truth of it to everyone around me even though I could not feel the victory. I felt so useless. I was a burden to my family. In the eyes of the world I had no value. I was a liability. Whatever strength I had left in me had finally drained out of me. I lost the will to live. I began to ask God to just let me come home. I was ready to die. All this was very stressful on my marriage, my children and my friendships. I cried to God continually, being ever aware of His Presence. I knew that He shared my agony, and yet somehow He was using me to His glory.